Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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