I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
