i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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