Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
