Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
