i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize