I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
