If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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