i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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