And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
