The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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