My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
