Just fell off a train. Bad.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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