before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sorry my hands just texted you
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
