I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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