im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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