That's when you crack a 10am beer
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
