plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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