nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
