Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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