oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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