I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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