I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
