If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You ruined the universe
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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