My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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