Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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