lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
