I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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