WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Congratulations! We have a period
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