sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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