So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
