I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
