I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
