I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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