Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
