I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
