Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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