I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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