i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
