Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
