The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
