yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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