Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Randomize
