You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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