so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
