6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
