we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
