i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Is it because I queefed?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize