We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
