She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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