Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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