Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My ass is underappreciated
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
