I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
