He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
