We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
